Nigella Lawson loves to drizzle thick blobs of honey over her entire face and eat slabs of cake out of the fridge late at night on camera. For me, it’s the simple, guilty pleasures that sort me out best.
I use the word “guilty” not because I derive pleasure out of doing something that deserves punishment, but rather in the sense that the guilt stems from deep inside every real housewife and real mother’s core - guilt that you’re up to something that you really shouldn’t be doing but that you do anyway because you’re short on time and if you don’t do it for yourself then no-one else will.
I figure all housewives must have their own secret guilty pleasures.
Some guilty pleasures are probably universal to all of us, but I like to think that my quirkier guilty pleasure are the ones are that define me and give my unique edge. So, I’m about to divulge my own personal guilty pleasure for your public vieewing.
Guilty Pleasure Number 1
I like to vacuum with my ear phones in with dance music blaring in my ears to block out the kids fighting. I love cleaning bathrooms, as I’ve mentioned before and I actually enjoy cleaning so much that I actually like to openly boast that I have OCD when it comes to cleaning. (However, the last time I boasted about this compulsion I was swiftly cut down by my darling, brand-new brother-in-law of 1 month. He said that he and I shared a common bond because we are both, as he put it, “part-OCD and part-time poor”. Cue the guilt part of my cleaning guilty pleasure which, upon closer inspection evidences that, at the best of times my place is, on closer inspection only 80% clean, but at least it has 100% hospital grade smell 80% of the time!)
Guilty Pleasure Number 2
I love, love, love eating hot chips saturated in salt and vinegar. Don’t ask. It’s my thing. Always has been. Even pre-housewife era.
Guilty Pleasure Number 3
Drinking way too much Coke Zero. It’s my drug of choice. Man it’s good stuff. But is 1L a day bad?
Guilty Pleasure Number 4
Going out at night, whenever I can. I fly the coop just to escape sometimes. Not so bad is it?
Guilty Pleasure Number 5
Shovelling slabs of chocolate down in the confines of the pantry when the kids aren’t looking and then, when they discover me and requisition the evidence, I respond “it’s a carrot, yeh?”
Guilty Pleasure Number 6
Having an innocent, infrequent car-flirt with the guy in the sports car next to me in traffic. And, loving that disinterested look that follows once he realises that yes, I’m a mother and those are my 2 screaming kids in the back!
Guilty Pleasure Number 7
Waiting to the very last minute to pick up my kid from preschool if he’s given me a hard morning. What goes around comes around! Evil. I know!
Guilty Pleasure Number 8
Making sure I tell friends, acquaintances and yes, even strangers, that I’m a lawyer. Not sure why this gives me pleasure - shallow I know. But at least then I know that I’m justifying that 6 years of study weren’t for nothing! Plus, it’s an elite profession isn’t it? And it shows I possess, or at least used to possess a brain of some sort!
Guilty Pleasure Number 9
Sleeping in when the kids have woken up and then pretending to still be asleep so that, by default, husband darling is by default in charge of manning the morning shift. It’s a small pleasure, but a good one. For about 15 minutes!
Guilty Pleasure Number 10
Jumping into bed on my own, wearing my fluffy white bathrobe and home-facial for a full season of The Tudors – but only when husband darling works late. Not exactly my ideal time-out out but good enough. Sometimes. That’s why some people call me the ‘life of the after-party’ - because if that phone rings with an offer for an awesome night out, I will whip off that mud mask and call a babysitter faster than you can finish a bowl of hot chips!